By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
