I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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