i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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