I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
