I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
