Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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