Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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