well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
