Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
