I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
