dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
