My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
we should paint friendship bongs
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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