he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
