I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
