I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
