in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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