I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Someone came in the potted fern
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
