I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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