My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
