I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
