Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
