I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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