Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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