I faked an abortion last night.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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