my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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