So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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