There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
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I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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