Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I need to stop coming to work sober
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
