I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
