wanna go halves on a baby?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
