Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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