There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize