With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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