My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
