just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
