exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
