the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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