Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When are your genitals available?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
