I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
