Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
