I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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