i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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