im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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