My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
