They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
