I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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