i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
