Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
