I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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