He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
