Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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