...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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