It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
