im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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