So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
