So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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