so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
