Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i love accidental penises.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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